Judge, I have to apologize for picking on you.

Stand-up comedians –unlike practitioners of the other forms, such as sketch comedians– interact directly with the audience. The stand-up comedian “breaks the fourth wall,” in theater parlance.

And since no one has ever acknowledged my existence over the past ten years except perhaps to arrest me or to threaten to indict me for quoting myself, I have precious few known audience members with whom I may interact.

Stand-up comedy does not take place without an audience. The form is a collaborative process.

So I apologize profusely for holding you up again and again for ridicule. If for no other reason, then, you might plead with your idiot organization to power down my Kook Law Containment Field. It’ll take the heat off you and thereby deliver to me an expanded supply of whipping boys. Don’t do it for me. Do it for yourself.

Say, why do your guild wear robes? As your preferred uniform of the day, they’re kind of silly looking. So there must be a compelling reason for it. Is it so that everyone knows who the judge is? Would people otherwise mistakenly address the bailiff or maybe that woman who types on her computer all the time? How do you know she’s not doing Facebook?

So your robe is like a visual cue, then? Kind of like a snap of the fingers or a whistling? “Hey. Over here. I’m the judge. In case my words make no sense whatsoever –what with slumming it by working for this idiot organization– you’ll know who the senior law talker here is.”

Ah: I just figured out why Roberts stitched those fancy stripes on his robe when he won the lottery and became Chief Justice of the Supreme Court: It was to let everyone know who the expert was in case you couldn’t tell by listening to him talk. The stripes are a visual cue that he knows what he’s talking about in case one might think otherwise by listening to him claim that the individual mandate is legal because it’s an indirect tax, which it could not even theoretically be, considering that indirect taxes all quite definitionally and necessarily contain avenues of avoidance, avenues of avoidance successfully argued against by Obama Administration law talkers who managed to claim with a straight face that dead people should be fined for non-participation in the insurance market because their discontinued participation in the insurance market (like their discontinued participation in so many other human activities, like, say, breathing) secretly constitutes a continued participation in the insurance market. Silly me. Now I see the logic that would normally cause a sanity checker not only to issue a reset command but also to issue the auto-destruct sequence, causing the entire electronic device to catch fire and reduce itself to a pile of harmless ash.

So it seems I’ve answered my own question. And that is why Roberts wears those idiotic stripes. And that, by extension, is why your guild wear robes: It’s so that people will know who to talk to in court in the absence of any other cue.

Say, do you have any tax evasion cases on the docket? I bet you do. You remember that field of inquiry, don’t you? Yes, it might be studiously ignored in law talker school that the Sixteenth Amendment conferred no new taxing authority, making completely fraudulent the IRS’s claim of deriving from that same Sixteenth Amendment their taxing authority for the personal income tax. And it may be true that the Justice Department whistle past the graveyard every time they knowingly and disingenuously bring tax evasion cases and Willful Failure to File cases against those they know full well could not even theoretically be guilty of the charge.

Your organization is just a wonderland of fraud, isn’t it?

See, one of the advantages to being America’s Senior Comedian –along with other professional distinctions conferred upon me by that genius jurisdiction, such as being the first professional comedian in American history to be declared a terrorist; being able to perform for my esteemed audience in my living room with my feet up on the desk while eating pistachio nuts; arguing my own case in court by text messaging myself; and enjoying the hands-off legal protective custody of the Secret Service, among perhaps other professional distinctions I may have overlooked; that and fifty cents will get you a cup of coffee– is that my material becomes another one for the history books. That means that my rollicking, free-wheeling performance over the past decade has come to the notice of the Future People.

I will tell you that the Future People are very confused about why the Justice Department continue to knowingly bring fraudulent tax evasion cases now that everyone knows that one of your own guild clearly and unambiguously stated that the Sixteenth Amendment never conferred the new taxing authority that the IRS and the Justice Department disingenuously claim that it did.

Do you permit Justice Department attorneys to wipe boogers on your desk, too? Just fish out a big ol’ juicy booger and smear it on whatever convenient surface in your courtroom? I am perplexed by your self-defeating behavior.

And why the complaint? You’re apparently quite content to permit vandals to fob off whatever fraud as long as you think no one will notice. Well, I’ve noticed. And my audience, which includes the most powerful people in Washington as well as your peers and the Future People, have noticed too.

So could you argue, then, that anyone so inconvenienced as to be called before you should not conduct themselves in your courtroom according to the prevailing style? Wipe a booger under the defense desk? Or pass gas? And then the defense counsel can just speak out of turn: “Your Honor, someone cut the cheese! Odor in the court! And I don’t want to hear from the prosecution anything about that manifestly disproven old theory that he who smelt it dealt it. …What is it with this place? It smells like a barnyard! Wow! It’s like a frat house with all the beer farts up in here!”

So is that why your guild wear robes? To give a cue where none other exists? Playing dress-up? “This is what I would look like if I were a judge presiding over a legal proceeding in a court”?


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