This is my rendition of Hillary Clinton speaking to her target audience.

“Hey, y’all! It shore is good to be heeyer in Loosianna! Er wherever! Down home raht where mah heart belongs! Ah may be some urban, Satanic little witch who dreams of nuking your state when I fly over and shudder at yer corn pone an’ yer crawdads an’ yer guns (that you rehdnecks could use to chase little criminals lahk me; it’s too bayad all them l’il chirren got shot up; mah heart goes out to tha families, but we almost got yer guns that tahm! Cayant have ‘nother con-stab-a-larry runnin’ ‘roun’ threatenin’ ta drag me off ta jail er nothin’! No sirree! Ahm gonna pull the good ol’ girl routine so that you’ll know that ahm just lahk yoo!

“Joo hear the latest theory comin’ outta them high-falutin’ think tanks, that discredited ol’ theory that businesses create jobs? You an’ I both know that just ain’t true! Lahk if you run a grocery store er sumpin’ an’ ya got some cardboard boxes er some other bullshit out in th’alleyway an’ ya say to some kid ‘I will pay you twenty bucks to clean up that bullshit! The stink is scarin’ off the customers!’ And he does it okay so you say ‘You come back tomorrow, ya hear? You do that agin’ and do that same bullshit cleanup tomorrow an’ I’ll give you another twenty dollars! An’ then yer free to hang out at home or roam aroun’ an’ maybe sweep someone’s sidewalk or whatever, but you come back here every day at two o’clock!’

“Now does that sound lahk a job to you fine folks? Of course not! That ain’t a job! That’s some sort of indentured servitude, maybe; hazardous, dangerous work that y’oughta be bonded and insured for, in case ya git hurt! That ain’t no job! Where’s the maternity leave?! Where’s the workmens’ comp if ya show up to work drunk an’ ya slip ‘n hit yer head? Who’s gonna pay for you to sit aroun’ fer six months? What about health care?

“That’s a system of exploitation, maybe, but that ain’t a job! An’ doan you take the bait that if you do a good job cleanin’ up that bullshit that maybe the shopkeeper’ll say some day, ‘I’m openin’ another store across town an’ I don’t have time ta put this order away, so I’ll give you a hunnerd dollars if you take those boxes there offa that truck and open ’em up and price the items and put ’em on the shelves. Should take y’about four hours to do it. And if you do a good job, you come back next Tuesdee and do tha same thing!’

“No! You fine folks deserve better than that! That ain’t a job! Where’s all th’onerous paperwork an’ the reggelations an’ th’Obamacare? Where’s the license? That shopkeeper’s jess tryin’ ta hoodwink you! You let him throw his hands up in th’air and decide ta leave all them cardboard boxes and that bullshit out in th’alleyway! An’ pretty soon there’ll be rats all over, scarin’ the customers away and graffiti all over the walls and drug dealers and more cardboard boxes! Serves him raht!

“And then we’ll finally have mah utopian, nutjob dream of a world, progressin’ toward disease an’ decay an’ moribundity an’ malaise! Yes we can! –bring a total economic halt to everythin’ that we don’t control!

“So vote fer me! I’m gonna make you free of those charlatan businesses that don’t create jobs! Which do you deserve more, some so-called ‘job’ or the chance to put that thievin’ shopkeeper right in his place?”


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