Did you know that I speak Japanese? It’s true. As a matter of fact, it shall be my next artistic undertaking to devise humorous subtitles for the following video:
I don’t have a computer on which to edit this video and add the subtitles, so I’ll leave that task up to any interested video editors in my audience. This is the part where you get to compete to include your comedic sensibilities in my show. I’ll provide a few translated utterances to get us started and then I’ll leave the rest up to you.
Here are the rules:
1. All dialogue spoken by the on-screen characters or as part of their inner monologues is to be “translated” into something funny.
2. It is not necessary to translate the words in the song underlying the video. You may if you wish, though.
3. All comedic “translations” should derive from my material and my life over the past decade. That is, they should be excerpts from my speech or my actions or circumstances.
4. Timing should be precise for maximum comedic effect. The words flashed at the bottom of your produced video should correspond quite closely with the movements of the mouths of the characters.
I’ll get us started. See if you can guess where I would put the following “translations:”
1. “Hello? You mean it’s jurisdictional bye bye time?”
2. “What does my future hold, O sage?”
“Beware Officer Fat Ass. He’s ‘investigating’ you by the most effective means possible: He’s telling anyone who’ll listen.”
4. “Bring home milk!” (This one does not derive from my material or my life, but I’ll allow it, as it’s just a throwaway and it’s short. This is where your artistic contribution comes in.)
5. “In true Yoda-like fashion I do say that big, fat, veiny cocks President Null and Void…sucks.”
6. [Diddit di-do, diddit di-do.]
“This show of yours is turning out to be a real stem winder.”
7. “I needed one thing to make all your dreams come true.”
“My phone number?”
8. (Something, something, I’m not sure what yet,) “Nah:” (then something diametrically opposed. This will prove an interesting use of the found object of the Japanese word “Nah,” whatever it may mean.)
9. “Through my independent studies of economics and quantum physics, I accidentally learned how to engineer reality. I then knew what needed to be done. But I must never abuse that power.”
10. “If that idiot jurisdiction spent half the resources catching terriss as they do scrutinizing my private life, this world would be safe for democracy.”