Judge, you picked the right case to sit in on.

Your seat in the front row affords you the opportunity to contemplate ideas not considered in 230 years. You get to recline in your leather chair and cock your head and wonder what are the consequences of losing jurisdiction. What, did you think your sentencing guideline masterpiece was to be your life’s work? Oh, no, Judge, you have not yet seen your finest hour. This world isn’t done with you yet.

I’ve confounded your jurisdiction from so many directions, Judge. The entity you represent doesn’t know what to say. It does not know how to reply. It cannot decide what to speak. The condition of not knowing what to speak necessarily means that it is not in the act of speaking anything. The condition of not speaking anything necessarily means that it is not speaking law, law being a subset of ‘anything.’

An entity which stands dumbfounded and mute is not speaking. Therefore it is not speaking anything, much less law. That which does not speak law, by definition, is not a jurisdiction.

You now fully understand that the entity you work for is no longer a jurisdiction. All good things must come to an end. It’s the way of the world. Things are born, they live, and they die. No jurisdiction has ever been immortal. They all must die. You had the professional distinction of attending this one’s passing.

Your homework assignment, Judge, is to contemplate what happens after an entity loses jurisdiction. I’ll get us started: “Arrests” become kidnappings. And certainly it’s perfectly morally and legally defensible to use all most minimally effective degrees of force, up to and including lethal force, to prevent one’s own kidnapping.

(This is a thought experiment. The Justice Department is famous not only for ladling out the choice hot peppers of my speech and stitching them together for waving around later, but they also misrepresent my thought experiments as dangerous speech. And they don’t even understand the fundamentals of the English language. It’s why I completely ignore the spirited attempts at speech which may issue forth from the Justice Department.)

So it appears that your magnum opus, Judge, shall be the contemplation of the lamentable implications of losing jurisdiction. It’ll be another one for the history books.

Perhaps we ought not to have continued prosecuting known, color-of-law frauds and otherwise not followed the law, resulting in a loss of moral authority. Whoopsie daisy.

And since your entity no longer constitutes a jurisdiction, please advise the inexpert operators in the Justice Department that if they unwisely elect ever again to “indict” me for anything, I will use your venue to my advantage. I will convert your venue into my venue. I’ll make it my stage. I’ll perform my routine there and I will employ my guild’s words of art in describing the entity you work for. I will introduce into the legal lexicon the words of art “trash heap,” “nondiction,” “garbagediction,” “shit heap,” “three holer,” “assclown organization,” and “this words-of-art wonderland of fuckin’ freakery you call a jurisdiction.” “Uh, I’ve no idea what’s going on. Some people abducted me and brought me here. This appears to be the mushmouthed proceeding of a jurisdictionless crack whore. …I do suppose that I need my dick sucked by some common street hooker, though. Was I brought to the right place? Is that what this is all about? Is this some sort of a surprise party at the local whore house? Well then I thank you all profusely. So bring on the piss-stained mattress and the hooker! I’m ready for some action!” And that is how it will go. And your jaw will drop and we’ll just look at each other. So this is your profession’s fair warning.

We’ll periodically compare notes here in my show on our findings.

P.S. I’ve considered your entity’s quandary regarding that embarrassing felony conviction on your record. If you’ve not already decided on this course, I would recommend throwing out certain guilty pleas advised by certain Sigmund Freuds of the law profession, “attorneys” who denied me the opportunity to participate in my own defense by dismissing as the ravings of a madman that information which might prove germane to my defense, including that the jury might find it implausible that one Secret Service protectee could perceive a threat in the middle of a stand-up comedy show staged by another Secret Service protectee. And then you can invite the Justice Department to indict me again, which they will not do for so many reasons, including that my perfect sanity, my clinically certified genius, and my cute and cuddly disability, Aspergers Syndrome, are now a matter of the public record. And then the Justice Department can accede to the expunging of that embarrassment from your record. See how easy law can be when you’re America’s Senior Comedian? Rank has its privileges.


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