I am forever refining and economizing my Right to Travel argument.

Whenever I am now asked either by a friend or a cop if I have a driver’s license, my reply is simply that “I’m not a driver, licensed or otherwise.” To the informed audience member, that one simple statement is the absolute terminus of the conversation. It can proceed no further because the state cannot compel one to waive his right to travel, and thus the state cannot demonstrate that I meet more perfectly the legal definitions of the words of art “driver” or “operator” than the word of art “traveler.”

So the next time the state unwisely elects to pull me over, my answer will be that “I’m not a driver. I’m a traveler. Anything else, officer? Good luck and Godspeed in your labors this afternoon. Have a nice day.” And I will consider the misunderstanding to be corrected and I will put my car into drive and I will continue about my peaceable business.

For drivers, conducting a conveyance along the public thoroughfares is a privilege. For the traveler, that same activity is a right.

Now. Do you remember how that dirtiest subspecies of human, lawyers, tricked us into declaring ourselves to be liable for the federal income tax? They tricked us into attesting that we are taxpayers by filing a tax return and signing it under penalty of perjury. If you read the internal revenue code, you will find that only the person meeting the definition of the incompletely defined word of art “taxpayer” is liable for the tax, and thus, by definition, only taxpayers file tax returns. Sounds simple enough, right? One may meet the definition of the word of art “taxpayer” by various methods, I suppose. But trust me, the IRS will not complain if you run in and breathlessly wave around a tax return and say, “Don’t forget about me! I’m a taxpayer too! Here’s my tax return to prove it!”

How could the IRS possibly know your legal status better than you? Who are they to dispute you if you claim to be a taxpayer?

Moreover, the IRS is quite correct when they say that the income tax is based upon “voluntary self-assessment, not distraint.” Allow me to translate that lawyer dog shit for you. The average person would say, “That means that I’m supposed to determine the precise amount that I owe in taxes, right?” And the lawyer will reply, “Why, uh, yes! If you say so! If you insist, then that’s what that means!”

But what that statement actually means is that it is not the precise amount of taxes owed that one is supposed to assess, but that one is assessing himself to be a taxpayer at all. So strictly speaking, the trashy lawyers who wrote that boilerplate statement for the IRS were not lying. It does truly mean that the income tax is based on voluntary self-assessment –but in the sense that you voluntarily self-assess as meeting the definition of the word of art “taxpayer.” And Bink! Clunk! You created the legal nexus, like the resupply ship docking with the space station. Ta da!

That’s how lawyers operate. Law is in no way a respectable profession and I wouldn’t foul myself by working in it. A lawyer’s M.O. is to trick the uneducated. I love how lawyers regard themselves as being in a paternalistic relationship with their clients when the real relationship here is that the lawyer preys on those he is charged with husbanding through the complexities of the legal system. Law is a trashy profession. A lawyer is precisely like the unprincipled caregiver who steals the jewelry of an elderly, bedridden patient who can’t even talk because she’s had a stroke or whatever. Watch a lawyer very closely because he will steal from you as soon as he’s adequately confused you. Lawyers prey on the confused.

In similar fashion, on about seventy years ago or so, bankers decided that they didn’t like their slaves just traveling about under their own power, willy nilly going wherever they may please, exercising their right to travel with that newfangled invention, the automobile. See, if the hired help may go wherever they may please at any time, that means that the hired help may easily travel to whoever is paying the highest wages. No employer wants his hired help going anywhere. Plain and simple, allowing the hired help to freely travel serves only to raise your labor costs. And businessmen don’t want that.

So bankers hired some hooker lawyers to figure out a means of abridging that right to travel. And these hookers decided that the best means of doing that would be to invent some words of art and then trick the uneducated into conceding that they meet the legal definitions of those words of art. Much like only a taxpayer would ever file a tax return, only a driver would petition to be granted a driver’s license, right?

Do you see the con? Lawyers, being the filthy fuckin’ breed of animals that they are, can’t even content themselves with stealing from the infirm and the bedridden. They will trick sixteen-year-old children into waiving their right to travel, then to concede that they meet the legal definitions of the words of art “driver” or “operator” by petitioning the state to grant them a driver’s license that these children didn’t need in the first place. “Now don’t forget, children, Driver’s Ed class is seventh period. We’ll teach you how to drive and then we’ll go right down to the Department of Motor Vehicles and get you a driver’s license! Yay! Won’t that be fun? You can sign that contract and then you’ll be subject to contract law!”

Much like the “system” –comprised of whatever interested and politically allied parties– may be happy to bamboozle you into thinking that you are a taxpayer, the system is perfectly happy to have you believe that you are a driver or an operator. The system likes everyone to be compliant. The system likes it when everyone does what they’re told. The system doesn’t like slaves to be able to read. The system doesn’t want its slaves escaping, you see.

And that is why the state will harass the traveler by towing his car again and again until the traveler concedes that which the state cannot demonstrate: that the natural person in question meets the legal definition of the words of art “driver” or “operator” and thus requires a license to engage in the activity for which the traveler requires no license at all.

What passes for American jurisprudence these days is plain old bullshit. It’s flim flammery. The great, vaunted field of study called American Jurisprudence may be handily dispensed with by attacking its greasy words of art. Law truly is that simple. American lawyers are just common street trash speaking above their natural social register, talkin’ big words just to confuse everyone into signing a contract. A lawyer runs his scam by tricking the uneducated into signing a contract. That’s it. For all their Rolexes and their Latin words and their robes, lawyers are common thieves –and the worst kind of thieves, the kind who prey on the confused.

So since sixteen-year-olds are not capable of entering into contracts or waiving their rights, my original Vermont driver’s license, issued in 1984, was null and void the moment I accepted it as cheap compensation for my right to travel. I am not now a driver or an operator, and nor have I ever been. I will permit any jurisdiction to demonstrate that I accepted a driver’s license for any reason other than the state’s fraudulent misrepresentation that I required one. It’s a pretty sad state of affairs around here when jurisdictions can achieve their aims only by fraud.

I don’t much care for being tricked into conceding that I meet the legal definition of whatever word of art. And to this day, the human garbage in the Justice Department will represent me to those idiot kook courts as some kind of terris domestic extremiss, rather than as a man who takes righteous offense at the theft of his property. And to those kook court judges, my only defense is this: “Consider the source. I’m speaking to greasy lawyers here. I’m on to your filthy guild’s con game. Now type up your papers, thief. I’ve got a career I’d like to pursue at long last. Not everyone can be completely useless and still draw a paycheck. And try not to cry at your dressing down.”

So there you have it. I’ve now deconstructed the con for you. Lawyers steal. That is their only contribution to society. They serve no function. And they steal by confusing everyone with words of art that they then trick us into conceding that we meet the legal definitions of. The more I learn about law, the more it turns my stomach.

Now what are the practical implications of the slaves escaping? What are the ramifications of the widespread exercise of the right to travel? Will it complicate the several states’ drug interdiction efforts? Will it complicate your ability to catch criminals? I’m sure that it will and I’m also sure that I don’t care. Like I said, it sounds like a personal problem. Society hires a constabulary to perform a job within the constraints of the legal environment. If you can’t do the job, then I suggest that you find another line of work. Trust me, in the free market we can find qualified constables who can do the job. A feckless constabulary’s inability to perform its function within the constraints of the legal environment in no way argues against my exercise of a natural right. I’m sure we can find some job applicants who can do good old-fashioned police work without trampling the flowers.

There. I have now argued this right to travel issue eight ways to Sunday. My arguments are airtight and compelling. Pick one; any is sufficient.

I win, you lose. The theft is over. You had a good boondoggle going for seventy-some-odd years but it is now concluded.

Do not ever again pull my car over merely because I lack a valid driver’s license that I in no way require. If you do, or, heaven forbid, if you arrest me or tow that car, I will let the lawsuits fly. I will sue the state, I will sue officers personally, I will take homes away from people, I will cause wives to leave husbands, and I will terminate two jurisdictions. I have exercised commendable restraint up to this point by not suing certain spectacularly incompetent law enforcement officers. That is because, like stand-up, I regard law enforcement as generally a thankless task. That forbearance, however, has run out.

This is what happens when we run cons. Eventually they get exposed. So who’s the bad man here, me or the con artists? That the con artists in my audience may possess overwhelming numerical superiority in no way means that they are in the right. It just means that thievery is oh so common. It’s just easier to steal than to proceed from perfect good faith and hard work.

(A young acquaintance of mine just earned his law degree. And it seems like just yesterday that he had barely graduated college. Time flies, I suppose. But anyway, he landed himself a job with a law firm, right out of law school, making a hundred and fifty grand a year doing who knows what. Draining the system dry, I suppose. Good for him. I can’t say that it’s honest work, but at least he’s not on welfare. But in the ten years that that total piece of fuckin’ dog shit in Washington has had me under investigation and wrapped up in a Gordian knot of kook law, I could have finished my undergraduate degree, gotten a Master’s degree, and gone on to get a PhD in particle fuckin’ physics by now. And I’m still waiting for the freeloaders in my audience to buy their tickets so that I can hire camera guys and writers. I have got to be the most stupid person I’ve ever encountered. Let’s see how many decades of my life I can waste.)

So like I said, this is what freedom looks like. Get a good look. I’ve only had to listen to this idiot nation prattle on endlessly for the past dozen years about how free and brave you are. I am free and I am brave. So look at me and then do what I do and then the curtains will finally match the carpets. And then you can print up some more bumper stickers and live your lives in yet another dreamland!

I’m pretty sure that I’ve had my fill of beating that filthiest of guilds into the ground. My final words on the matter are that lawyers are the most deceptive, disreputable, dishonest, disingenuous, incompetent, crooked, thieving bunch of con artist hooker pieces of human fuckin’ filth that a society would ever have the misfortune of seeing birthed into this otherwise beautiful world. I’m sorry, Senator, but that is what I think of your profession. I call ’em as I see ’em.

——

[I’m really not this pissy in person. It’s just that trying to talk sense into this idiot nation day after day adds nothing to my life but new reason after new reason to be supremely pissed off. I should have gone to work for Disney Studios ten years ago and taken the money and run.]

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