I think we here in my theater are all in reluctant agreement that the United States “government” is a diseased crack whore.

[Update, Oct. 14: I composed this piece a week ago and left it unpublished. That’s how much I love my tippy-top secret audience; I want them to have first crack at enjoying my artistic output. So as a general rule, I will publish my material after some suitable amount of time.]

And it’s extremely dangerous. It’s a crack whore with guns. It is a danger to itself and others and it will need disarming.

I cut my teeth on dangerous material. We would expect nothing less of America’s Senior Comedian than to handle the heavy lifting around here. And what with, you know, my legal staff in Washington and my Secret Service protectee status, I can think of no one better suited to discussing precisely how that Frankenstein’s Monster styling itself a jurisdiction shall be physically disarmed.

I’m thumbing through that jurisdiction’s hit parade. Lessee: It spies without warrant; it enters homes without warrant; it eavesdrops on journalists; it somehow reserves to itself the right to snatch people off the street and spirit them off to locations unknown without charge; it rapes, it tortures, it defiles; it stands down the Border Patrol; it whacks its own ambassadors who may or may not be “down” with furnishing ISIS with shoulder-launched surface-to-air missiles which may later be used to shoot down airliners at American airports; its chief executive commits criminal fraud every time he files a tax return with some dead guy’s Social Security number; it suspends all normal protocols that would prevent the importation of Ebola into the territory; its chief executive conveniently contemporaneously signs an executive order providing for the abduction of persons merely suspected of having a respiratory problem; it generally stinks up the place; it’s just plain ugly as sin; and it in no way follows up on its one advertised source of latter-day moral authority, which is the catching of the bad men who deposited incompatible engine hardware on Murray Street.

You know how the writers of the Declaration of Independence took great pains to inform future generations of the reasoning and moral authority behind their actions? It’s gonna be simpler this time: “Um, in case you hadn’t noticed, the jurisdiction was a total piece of fuckin’ dog shit. So we hosed it off the sidewalk and started over. We just got tired of stepping over it with perfumed handkerchiefs pressed to our noses. The jurisdiction was an illness and we gave its idiot employees a boot in the ass and sent them home. Maybe those useless nothings will release classified documents next time, the publishing of which would have saved the day.”

Sometimes people misconceptualize precisely what government is. Government is not a bus line or a pension program. It is a mutual defense association, plain and simple. Its job is to prevent the enslavement or exploitation of its members at the hands of predators. Its one proper function is to defend property rights. That property includes natural rights. In short, governments are constituted to defend the property of the governed, including their freedom.

But sometimes that mutual defense association’s employees get full of themselves. They erect Grecian columns and have backup singers and everything. They get it in their little brains that they’re leaders of some sort.

It’s kind of like how you might hire day laborers to mow your lawn. You go through the basics: “The mower is in the garage and the weed trimmer is over here. I’ve got three flower beds, one each on the east, south, and west sides of the house. Mow the entire lawn and weed trim around the fruit trees but don’t trample the flowers. Got it?”

“Yes! I’m your leader! I shall strive to balance mowing with only the barest amount of trampling of the flowers!”

“No, stupid. It took me a lot of time and money to get those flowers to root. The whole purpose of the lawncare exercise, the one purpose to your being here at all, is to defend those flowers from the weeds. There is never a need to trample the flowers. Do you understand?”

“Yes! You need a hand up, not a handout! I shall diligently protect you from the terris! Now let me sniff your asshole! Stick your head in this bag! I will trample no more flowers than necessary as I discharge my duty to make you free!”

And at that point you just shake your head and sigh and hire another lawncare outfit that can do the job. And if this idiot doesn’t get off the property you just take him out back and beat the piss out of him until he gets the picture. That’s all you need to know from your college civics class. That’s how governments come and go. It’s really that simple.

So once the flower tramplers and the asshole sniffers and the peeping Toms have been sent packing, the decent people of the nation get to set about building their businesses and inventing new rocket engines or whatever and generally not having to contend with paying the salaries of that most useless stratum of society, government employees (who, again, can’t perform the basics like upholding their oaths of office, and thus do they have no one to blame but themselves for their extended vacation on the breadline.)

So since I’m getting really bored in this adolescent stage of my comedy non-career –what with being a smelly ol’ terris and all, lazily winding my watch and scrutinizing my fingernails, waiting for certain pieces of dog shit to get out of the way so I can continue on to the next level of my career– we’ll go ahead and lay the moral and legal framework for the use of armed force to shut down that disease-ridden, snaggle-toothed, scabby, cigarette-burned piece of street trash in Washington. And all the useless government employees in my audience can sob quietly about how no decent society tolerates their total, stinking uselessness and filth.

Won’t that be fun? We’ll get to ridicule that shitheap’s impotence as we discuss right in front of it how it’s gonna get euthanized. Call it a public service. I’m a regular philanthropist.

Would you expect anything less from America’s Senior Comedian? You wouldn’t have me be remiss, now, would you?

It’ll be another one for the history books: I’ll use my own Kook Law Containment Field to prevent that parade of idiocy from even opening its filthy whore mouth as we ridicule it and discuss its imminent termination.

Awww… Poor little shit stain… Is it gonna try to grunt now? Is its idiot mushmouth gonna talkee law? How cute… Look, everyone! That three-holer of a street hooker is moving its diseased, cocksucking cunt of a mouth as it dies its glorious jurisdictional death!

Lend it your ears, everyone! It strives to speak! Give it its due! It’s the United States Government! The world’s! original! cuntdiction!

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