Now remember: I don’t always publish my material.

Sometimes I simply don’t have time for it, what with earning my living as a day laborer when my delightful audience repeatedly fail to buy their tickets so that I can hire camera guys and writers and put on a proper show.

I see that it’s working out well that my law enforcement audience retrieve my pieces from my Kindle for sharing with my larger audience. Thank you for the solid.

But the Bluetooth mayhap not be the best method. So in case you’ve not already done so, I recommend that you commission Amazon to write a custom Android package that automatically relays any WordPress documents to a server somewhere for dissemination. This should not be difficult, as Amazon’s custom Android OS on the Kindle provides for the automated updating of the operating system files. And then whenever my Kindle connects to Wi-Fi, it will automatically upload my tippy-top secret writing to you. See? It’s the best of all worlds! I don’t have to go to the trouble of publishing it, but you still get to read it! And I can say whatever I want with total impunity because you’re not supposed to be getting into someone’s Kindle anyway! See? For example, just to get a rise out of my audience, I can go into graphic detail about how, for example, the Joint Chiefs of Staff will probably stand Barack Ebola up against a brick wall for his very own Ceacescu Moment!

How would that play out in court?

“Your Honor, Chris King Bad Man stands accused of saying extremely edgy stuff.”

“Ah, Your Honor, but that was first-draft, unfinished, unpublished material.”

“Your Honor, we have a warrant now! We can read it however we want!”

“You need a warrant to attend my show? Why don’t you just buy your ticket? It’s easier that way.”

“We, um, can’t buy a ticket because that would prove that he is a professional comedian and not a terris. And then our case would fall apart and this idiot jurisdiction would look stupid.”

“You’re not supposed to be in my Kindle anyway.”

“Yes we can! You’re a terris! We’ve pinned all our kook law hopes on you!”

“I may be a terris, considering that I am, after all, striking terror into the hearts of little criminals like you, but I’m also in the hands-off legal protective custody of the Secret Service, which status I, for the convenience of my audience, will term “being a Secret Service protectee.” So how does that work, Your Honor? Precisely how am I being indicted for my speech when it’s the unpublished intellectual property of a professional comedian who is also a terrorist and a Secret Service protectee, speech stolen by my loser audience who’d rather go to the trouble of commissioning Amazon to lift my material rather than just buy their tickets? Huh? Judge? Can you make sense of this Kafkaesque kook show that I’m forced to live in?”

See you at my new, secret rave of a venue!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s