Bring me America’s Senior Law Talker and America’s Senior Lawman. I’ll wait.

Gentlemen, thank you for dutifully delivering yourselves to the office of America’s Senior Comedian. I enjoyed inveigling your jurisdiction to accord me the legal status of terris. I’m another one for the history books and I didn’t even have to pay for promotional materials. So thanks for the professional distinction. Under separate cover will I send each of you a genuine Chris King Pop Icon, Fringe Festival 2004, Will’s Pub button, redeemable for one draft beer (assuming that you can travel back in time to redeem it, which you can’t, proving once again that I am the comedian and I will win. Ha!)

Do I seem arrogant to you? I must confess my supreme arrogance –though as an old friend once said, I wear it well. Yes, arrogance in service to oneself is a sin. But arrogance in service to others, well, that’s just good form, now, isn’t it?

I’ve placed your discredited guilds into my receivership. You obviously have no idea what you’re doing, so I’ll take it from here. I have instructions for both of you.

Leahy. Instruct the State of Vermont to issue to me written confirmation that I am not a driver, licensed or otherwise, and that I am in no way required to possess a vehicle registration, vehicle inspection sticker, or operator’s license. I require the lattermost so that I may purchase liability insurance. In the absence of that written confirmation, I will refer any injured parties to the State of Vermont if I accidentally render someone a paraplegic in a car accident. The State of Vermont is, after all, the one recalcitrant party standing between me and the responsible purchase of an insurance policy. I’m not terribly concerned that such written confirmation will cause the collapse of the great, towering, fraudulent spire of the state’s licensure system. Like I said, it sounds like a personal problem to me. Maybe we ought not to have built a house of color-of-law cards.

You know what, Senator? It’s taken me 47 years, but Vermont’s really starting to grow on me. I ran across this quote from our very own Calvin Coolidge:

I love Vermont because of her hills and valleys, her scenery and invigorating climate, but most of all because of her indomitable people. They are a race of pioneers who have almost beggared themselves to serve others. If the spirit of liberty should vanish in other parts of the Union, and support of our institutions should languish, it could all be replenished from the generous store held by the people of this brave little state of Vermont.

I suggest an update: “O, ye state of Vermont! Land of welfare recipients and oxycontin addicts! Ne’er shall I know a race more desirous of doing what they’re told by some government employee who regards it as a pissing contest when someone stands on his natural rights! Should the spirit of blind obedience in this nation diminish, should our character diverge in the slightest from that of our moral paragons, North Korea or Nazi Germany, it could all be replenished from the generous store held by the little commies in this state who wouldn’t know the first thing about freedom, generosity, strength, or indomitability!”

I want that piece of paper. If the State of Vermont is good, they may later claim all the association with me that they wish. They may even use my likeness on materials published by the state Tourism Bureau at no charge, a photo depicting me with an overbroad smile, my homemade haircut, and me flashing a thumbs-up.

If the State is not good, I will do whatever I can to provide a distinctly different sort of product endorsement. “Vermont? I grew up there. Don’t buy the dairy products; the farmers jack off into it. And the skiing isn’t very good either; the chairlifts are unsafe and there’s unwed teenage mothers roaming all over the place.”

The days of lawlessness in this land are over, Senator. Get me that piece of paper. The touch pee pee game is over. The State can claim the “Kook Law Containment Field” defense all they want, but it won’t hold water when they get sued by a paraplegic because they knowingly obstructed the purchase of insurance that would have paid damages to the injured party.

Saunders. I had a grand comedic piece planned for you, but it’ll have to wait until tomorrow. I’ve been called away to rake some leaves. Stand fast. In the meantime, familiarize yourself with the conduct of your livestock in the video posted at Infowars. I sense a blanket party in the works!

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