Senator, in your capacity as America’s Senior Law Talker, I’d like you to type up some dog shit.

You know how all fields of expertise have their words of art, those words whose meanings are likely unknown to those outside that field? In telecommunications, for example, we have certain words of art that may include, oh, say, “Josephson junction,” or “noise floor,” or “zone of uncertainty.” I won’t bore you with their meanings.

So it’s good news that I find that the 2015 edition of Black’s Law Dictionary has a helpful addendum of the hit parade of post-9/11 words of art employed within your singularly filthy field of expertise, a field that no decent person would ever defile his soul by entering. (As a matter of fact, I had to fire those lawyer customers of mine whose houses I was cleaning. Just to enter their filthy lairs made me want to vomit.)

So anyway, I need my light bill paid. I might have been able to provide for myself except for the fact that I turned down a gig with Disney Studios ten years ago so that I might perform a brand of material more in furtherance of my oath of enlistment than by whatever vehicle I may have been placed into over there, bless their magical hearts.

Yes, yes; I know it’s illegal for anyone to purchase a ticket to my show. But I think I’ve found the right sequence of words of art that you can string together and print out and staple it and roll your eyes as you slap it down on the desk of whatever idiot judge in whatever kook court over at that dead jurisdiction of yours. So this is my recommendation: (Props to the 2015 edition of Black’s Law Dictionary for helping the mere layman understand the Solonic pronouncements of your guild’s finest minds.) Ahem:

“Pee pee ding ding, everyone! Me Senator Baldy! Prior to now, us doofus guild have talkee authority! No more! Nolo contendee dog shittee! Ta da! Him not bad man! Him no take time to install wrong hardware on Flight 175! As say in sentencing report, me constituent walk on water! He need money for pay bill! Him no terriss domestic extremiss! Maybe us catch bad men instead! I beseech the court to find in the name of all cunty* nonsense we enshrine in us kook guild! Ipso facto idiota inquirendo! …And wouldn’t you know it that it would be my own constituent who pulled this idiot guild’s pants down right here in front of everyone…”

*Don’t look at me; “cunty” is actually used in that filth profession. So are “assclown,” “embarrassment,” and “ignoramus.”

So I need you to type up that dog shit and pass the hat around and settle up my account with the power company.



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