It has come to my attention that the Windham County Sheriff’s Office now has automated license plate readers.

They’re mounted on the cruisers and apparently they scan for bad people. Maybe they ring a single Ding! from an old teletype bell when they detect someone who knows about natural law. Or maybe it’s some synthesized voice that says, “Alert. Alert. Bad Man Detection System activated. Homeland Security directive received. Approach with caution. Suspect mounts incompatible engine hardware on Flight 175 when he’s not drinking beer to excess and listening to the radio at his campfire pit out behind his house.”

So lemme guess: The Sheriff’s department has gotten big fat grants from DHS to install these automated license plate readers. And lemme take a further guess: When they alert on a vehicle, the patrolman is obligated to respond and to pull the car over and issue a ticket, right? And if the patrolman does not do so, he gets in trouble, right?

So the end result of gorging yourselves on DHS money is that you’ve lost your powers of discretion. You have delivered control of yourselves to the Department of Homeland Security. (In case I have not adequately beaten it into your heads, DHS is in no way concerned with catching the bad men who placed incompatible engine hardware on Murray Street. DHS is, however, concerned with catching the bad men who intend to arrest the people who put incompatible engine hardware on Murray Street. Do you see the slight yet still consequential semantic difference?)

Allow me to rub my temples and roll my eyes back into my head and flop around on the floor and predict the future:

In the future, the teletype bell will ding and the voice will say, “Alert. Alert. Bad man detected. Apprehend Chris King Pop Ico– er, I mean Chris King Bad Man, and deliver to Sector Five rendition center for re-education. The man is a menace, just like he predicted. He knows about natural law and everything, and we can’t have that.”

And you will be required to apprehend and deliver, just as your computerized master had instructed. And your total laughingstock status as a completely federalized police agency will be complete. You’ll be just another collection of federal goofballs, all gussied up as Sheriff’s deputies.

Now. A little birdie told me that if I wish to avoid this automated traffic stop, a traffic stop that is outside the discretion of the Sheriff’s department to prevent, I should park in a certain parking lot before driving all the way into town.

I appreciate the consideration, but my right to travel has no geographical limits within the several states, including Vermont. I am not obligated to evade your automated license plate readers.

If you cock your heads, you can see that I have methodically strung legal tripwires around myself over the past decade. It’s a veritable spider web, the plucking of which results in the death of United States, a trashdiction for which I have a major hard-on for all the trouble it has caused me. I am also warming up to the idea of terminating the State of Vermont for its collusion with that organized crime syndicate styling itself a jurisdiction.

So I just want you to know that your continued use of those federally funded automated license plate readers will call into being a legal chain of events that will result in the deaths of two jurisdictions.

Just so you know.

And again, I appreciate the consideration, but getting arrested helps me terminate both the federal government and any colluding jurisdictions. Ticket me or not; it works out fine for me either way. The only question here is how much trouble it causes for your jurisdiction.

It’s dirty pool anyway. Get your fat asses out of your cruisers and walk your beats like your fathers did.

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