Senator, do I strike you as possessing an outsized sense of entitlement?

Do I seem like a prima donna? The characterization is not entirely inaccurate. But in my defense, the latitude I enjoy had always first been extended by those impressed by my performance.

And no one can dispute the quality of my performance, can they?

Say, you’ve got lawyers over there, right? Can someone do me a pro bono solid? As we know, the comedian is society’s defense attorney. And I’ve been working pro bono for ten years now.

Here’s the issue: I simply do not have time to deal with this Judicial Bureau thing. My thoughts have been devoted to gaming out the next moves to be made by the enemies of this nation. I’m settling on a genetically engineered bacteriophage that will likely be piggybacked onto a “magical serum,” straight out of an Austin Powers movie, a mandatory serum or vaccine for this engineered Ebola crisis. Never let a good crisis go to waste, you know. And if there’s no crisis handy, go ahead and create one.

The bacteriophage will be engineered to target select neurons in the brain, giving the vaccine recipient a viral lobotomy.

But anyway, I trust that you can roust up some hotshot attorney who can talk law words for me, in a filing on my behalf, a paper to be submitted to the Judicial Bureau regarding my right to travel. I’ve made the arguments here in this forum. Have him or her bolt on the necessary legalese.

I can already anticipate your protest: “But Chris, you’re in a Kook Law Containment Field. It’s illegal for me even to acknowledge that I’m in your audience, even though you have mapped out every last contour of this idiot jurisdiction’s machinations in our tippy-top secret investigations of you. If I put a lawyer on this, I’ll wind up in a torture chamber for stating the obvious, which is that everyone of note in Washington has been enjoying your show for the past ten years. I sometimes think this idiot jurisdiction insists on keeping up this silly charade just so we don’t have to buy our tickets.”

Well, I am quite tired of the touch pee pee game. I lost out on a lucrative comedy career somewhere along the way, a career and ten years that I will never regain. So I have the moral authority to make this demand.

This will do. I will not be contacting the Judicial Bureau. If any attorneys in my audience wish that I remain out of jail, they will handle this for me.

I hereby grant you, Senator Leahy, limited power of attorney, transferable to the attorney of your choice, for the purpose of handling any right to travel issues and “driving” infractions related to any jurisdiction.

Please include the following as an addendum to my arguments:

“These utterances to which I reply are those of a jurisdiction foreign to United Sovereigns of America, a legal construct, a principality I inhabit and whose protections I enjoy as detailed in the Capta Brightstick Document. As unlawfulness corrupts all jurisdictions through which it may pass, and as the State of Vermont colludes daily with the criminal entity formerly known as United States, it appears that the State of Vermont does not exist. This eventuality may have lamentable ramifications for your highway funds as well as perhaps other monies.”

Thank you for your assistance, Senator.

And for the record, I’m not a prima donna. I am an American exemplar who does not even recognize others’ attempts to regulate, tax, or prohibit my enjoyment of my own property. I find it insulting. Natural Law is Law 101. I suggest that everyone get up to speed on it.

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