Hoo boy. What next? Let’s go ahead and do some housekeeping material.

My staff have handed me a few notes to cover.

First off, someone left a Samsung Galaxy S3 on the pool table. If your dick matches what I’m seeing here in the selfies, you can have it back. And you might consider pin-protecting your phone from now on.

Issue Number Two: The urinal in the men’s room is clogged so please do not use it. And please do not urinate ONTO the plastic bag we’ve placed over the urinal. The custodial costs of my audience are high enough as it is.

Issue Number Three: There is a man in town who used to be the caretaker at the property at which I am the new caretaker. My job there is to maintain the property in exchange for free lodging in a trailer on the premises. This man has been informing the townspeople that I am growing marijuana on the property and selling it. He apparently is upset that he is no longer the caretaker.

The allegation is so preposterous that I will not even deny it.

I spend my days catchin’ terris and trying not to get whacked or set up. There’s not a whole lot of time left over for my alleged marijuana growing operation. And if you knew this guy –who, I assure you, is in no way related to my clan– you would see the justification in my invoking the Ipso Quo Natorum defense.

I earn my living by trading on my good name. Some extremely wealthy people in this town depend on me to enter their homes unescorted for the purpose of performing maintenance. I will not permit my good name to be sullied by those who bear false witness.

And on the matter of bearing false witness, if I even suspect a United States employee of speaking to, interviewing, or otherwise communicating with or spooking any of my customers, including the owner of the property at which I am the caretaker, I will burn that shit heap to the ground so fast and I will roll so many cop cars that it’ll look like an episode of Dukes of Hazzard around here.

Remember who holds the cards. If my ability to earn a living is in any way complicated or impeded, I will lay down that single most powerful card in that 53-card deck, and I will make that collapsed heap of garbage styling itself a jurisdiction go bye bye, forever and ever, Amen.

Now let’s return to the show.

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