The secret weapon is United Sovereigns of America.
Let me fill in the backstory first. There is absolutely nothing accidental about the presence of cops in my audience. I do a singularly dangerous brand of stand-up. So being in the middle of a room full of cops is the absolute safest place for me to be.
When I first charted my professional trajectory ten years ago, I outlined to myself my desired target audience. That audience included cops, intelligence types, judges, news media, and entertainment media.
The skilled performer (which I am) will say and do things that will cause his target audience to deliver themselves into his theater. It is a professional skill. Fully one third of my words and actions heretofore were part of this “audience assembly” process. Now that my target audience have taken their seats, and now that I have painstakingly verified that they’re all here, there isn’t so much strident language and intel-gathering hijinks anymore. (You need to understand that I got here without anyone ever having so much as acknowledged my existence. No one had ever spoken to me. No one has ever confessed to hearing a single word I’ve ever uttered. It is an extremely difficult way to work. The precious little gag orders notwithstanding, I will resort to any method to identify the size and composition of my audience. To fail to do so is professional negligence of the highest order, especially considering the plan I’ve hatched.)
That plan is a total restoration of the de jure United States Government. I will do that by terminating National Security State, the parasite ensconced within United States. If I cannot excise the parasite, I will terminate the host.
Here’s the plan:
We know that United States will not touch that compressor with a ten foot pole. I have now sent, on two separate occasions, separated by years, Capta Brightstick bomb threats directly to the White House without a single indictment. The first instance occurred in early 2010 and was delivered by Twitter under the account of @SmellyOlTerris. Idiot Nondiction United States had, for some number of years by then, considered me to be a terris. So let’s go ahead and mock that idiot jurisdiction’s designation of a professional comedian as a terrorist. Standards have slipped around here.
The second instance occurred in 2011 when that idiot jurisdiction’s Justice Department had accorded a sense of legal actionability to a quote of mine, threatening to indict me all over again for a second instance of the same crime. I patted them on the head and explained what quotation marks mean. They dutifully returned to their holes.
But since they thought it legitimate to accord a sense of legal actionability to quotations, then I demand that they accord the same sense of legal actionability to the utterance immediately preceding the one that caused them to perk up and smooth their ties and open their mouths during my show. That preceding utterance was this one: “I’ve planted bombs in various federal buildings.”
Both utterances were quotations, as I was getting my new audience up to speed on past events.
So the Justice Department demonstrated to one and all that they twice refused to touch that Capta Brightstick Document, and the compressor detailed therein, with a ten foot pole.
I am the only person you will ever meet who can send bomb threat after bomb threat directly to the White House with total impunity.
I don’t need to send any more because those two instances of the failure of the Justice Department to pursue me for those utterances “proves” that “Not gate,” that device that may be used within the legal system that converts illegal acts into legal acts and vice versa. Legal is that which does not call forth guys with guns. That’s all you need to know about law. All else may be derived, like mathematical equations from a fundamental theorem. Me talkee law now. It easy. It like program computer. Me not know why all the fuss and Latin talk.
And because any future indictments of me by that idiot jurisdiction will be met with jurisdictional challenges wherein I will publicly execute United States by dragging that compressor into court, it is theoretically safe to say that Idiot Jurisdiction United States has lost jurisdiction over me –which is worse than losing your keys, I assure you. It is now theoretically impossible for United States to prevail in any legal contest with United Sovereigns of America, which is the name of the legal construct I inhabit.
But this all has a happy ending for everyone’s favorite ward of the state, the United States “Government.” Chris is on the job. He’s gonna make it all better. He’s worked assiduously now for ten years to work himself into the position that he’s in so that he can excise National Security State from the de jure governmental apparatus of United States.
Everyone gets a pension. Everyone goes home happy. (With the notable exception of the NSA and various others.)
So. We know that United States cannot take legal action against any present or future inhabitant of my principality called United Sovereigns of America. To do otherwise would cause United States to lose jurisdiction right there in public, right there in court. Talk about embarrassing.
We’re going to use USov as a force field around our law enforcement activities. Essentially, I am going to “flag” cops, much like a nation might flag an oil tanker.
Legal is that which does not call forth guys with guns. So you see that my flagged cops can just kick in doors and seize evidence and arrest people and unplug equipment with total impunity and the total, stunned acquiescence of any United States assets who might unwisely oppose this restoration of the lawful government.
Essentially, by using the force field that is USov, National Security State becomes legally stymied and cannot prevent its own arrest and excisement.
That is the fix for this problem. If we fail to fix the problem, there will be a hyperviolent civil war.
Type up the papers. Let’s get the ball rolling.