Terms and Conditions

I refuse to hobble my prose with legalese as lawyer dog shit language doesn’t make for good art. So this is the one time I will dip into that filthy, fetid well of pure filth that passes for law talk these days.

Outside their proper context, words have no meaning whatsoever. The context for my every utterance I hereby define to include every last thing about which I have ever written or spoken in my professional capacity as a comedian. Every utterance has built upon all preceding utterances, and those utterances have no meaning divorced from their supporting structure. That context includes the Capta Brightstick Document which details the presence on Murray Street in New York on September 11, 2001 of incompatible engine hardware which precludes Flight 175’s presence at the scene of the crime. 

So as the United States “Government” is not really in the law business, you can see that I’m not terribly concerned about the protestations or pronouncements of whatever crack whore in the street may be styling itself a jurisdiction these days.

By their own hand, in their dealings with me, Justice Department attorneys have demonstrated themselves to lack a grasp of the rudiments of the English language. As law is a subset of the broader collection of words called language, I have zero reason to believe that they have any idea what they’re talking about. I can’t make sense of it most of the time. I am a busy man and out of deference to my audience, I will not stop the show to address the concerns of United States attorneys.

At no time is a United States attorney to hazard to speak during my show. If you do, I will terminate the jurisdiction.

This is your one warning.

How’s that for lawyer dog shit?












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