You know I’m trying to learn law, right? I am a renaissance man and law is, after all, the world’s second oldest profession. So I try to give that august field of inquiry its due.

You know how in your law dictionary there’s those long Latin phrases? Apparently Latin is the lingua idiota for that kook profession of yours. (Hey, don’t blame me; I’m not the one here who voluntarily elected to hire on with the world’s premier idiot organization that seems to be losing jurisdiction every time I turn around.)

So anyway, there’s those long Latin phrases that lawyers say to one another. It’s like a secret code that the unwashed masses would never understand because they’re not totally filthy and they can think straight. Those phrases evoke in the mind of the jurist on whom they are laid, like trump cards —Bam!— an entire legal principle, perhaps one first explicated in the fifteenth century or whenever, when lawyers thought it would be a bright idea to codify things instead of just winging it.

Of course, we’ve gone full circle in this glorious nation; we’re back to winging it again. But out of my boundless esteem for the field of law, I do now lobby for a return to those heady days when reason ruled the courts! I want powdered wigs again! I say we talk more Latin!

And do you know how sometimes lawyers will distill that lengthy Latin law phrase into just a few words? Kind of like “Ipso quo natorum?” (I’ve no idea what that means, or if it means anything at all. Though oddly enough, on those merits alone, it should fit right in over there as it makes no sense whatsoever.)

So when lawyers are kickin’ back in the judge’s chambers and swilling brandy and smoking cigars or whatever it is you do back there, the one lawyer lays his trump card down: “Ah, yes. But ipso quo natorum.” And he smiles and leans back again into his leather chair and invites all comers to suck on that!

“Hmm,” says the other lawyer. “Astute observation, one first explicated in Negative Five B.C. by Taciturnius. Good show, sir! I find your logic unassailable!” And then they clink their brandy glasses together and laugh uproariously in celebration of their joint defilement of the legal system with their kook talk.

So in any future appearances before you, I’m going to wow the court with my knowledge of legal principles. After flipping through my copy of Blackstone, I’ve found here the perfect defense against any possible charge brought by the single most respectable entity the world has ever known, the United States Government. It’s called “Consider the source,” and its pure awesomeness may be invoked with just a word or two, just like the shorthand does for those long, cumbersome Latin phrases.

So cries the bailiff: “All rise! Allow me to introduce to you the President of the United States District Court of Vermont!”

“Please be seated. … … … Mister King, would you please instruct your attorney to sit?”

“I apologize for the oversight, your Honor. It won’t happen again.”

“Mister King, the prosecution alleges that you have used punctuation marks in your speech, the use thereof has been held to be wholly incompatible with their grand plan to spoof the legal system with a spurious complaint since they didn’t get a big enough bite the first time around. How do you respond to that?”

“Uh huh.”

“Hmm… That rings a bell… Let me type that into my legal reference here. … …I see: That shorthand invokes the cascading awesomeness of the ‘Consider the Source’ defense, first explicated in the Seventh Century by one Gerard Robiliere on the occasion of being dragged off to a torture chamber because he looked at a Lord crosseyed …Madame Prosecutor, how do you respond to this turn of events?”

“Your Honor, that is preposterous, that man right there” (and here she wheels around to point an accusatory finger at me) “is a Bad Man, and he is not a saint, and he says ‘Huh’ all the time!”

“How do you reply, Mister King?”

“Yeah huh.”

“Your Honor, this is an outrage! He’s making a mockery of these proceedings –yes, yes, we were hoping that no one would notice that we were trying to spoof the legal system; he caught us on that one– but I’ve never heard of such a thing! It says right here in this secret kook determination of a secret kook court that Mister King is a terris in complete accordance with Subsection B of the secret kook memorandum in which someone got in a snit and wheeled around in their chair and typed his name into the terrism computer. It’s all legit, Your Honor! All the dog shit is in order!”

“Mister King?”

“Hibbledee jibbledee dibbledee doo! Me talk law talk and so can you!” And then I pull up my shirt and make a series of loud, wet armpit fart noises and loll my tongue out at the spectators in the gallery and they all laugh so hard that milk comes out of their noses. “I trust that I’m free to leave, Your Honor?”

“Please do, Mister King. I’ve had enough of this farce. This proceeding is stupid, this jurisdiction is stupid, its conception of terris is stupid, this court had been made stupid, and you are by no means any more stupid than anything or anyone else in the court. Now please, Mister King, go home. Leave us alone in our idiocy. Please, please, Mister King, please stop making sport of this total parade of idiocy that we once fancied a jurisdiction! Go home!”


I see that VA hospitals keep two sets of books now.

Staff at the Phoenix VA hospital doctored their records, keeping hundreds of veterans off the official waiting lists and ensuring some would never get to see a doctor for treatment, according to a preliminary audit released Wednesday that confirms some of the worst accusations in the burgeoning scandal.

The report from the Department of Veterans Affairs inspector general was even worse than many lawmakers expected, and it spurred another round of calls for VA Secretary Eric K. Shinseki to resign.

Joining those calls were three Senate Democrats, who became the first to break with President Obama, who has steadfastly defended his VA chief.

The inspector general’s report said Phoenix VA officials kept 1,700 veterans off the official books, allowing the officials to lie about waiting times and making themselves eligible for bonuses. The scathing report also suggests that VA headquarters in Washington was aware as far back as 2010 of many of the schemes VA offices were using to doctor the books.


America is the Upside Down Nation. Those who fulfill their professional obligations and actually perform their duties (like me) can’t ever get paid due to whatever kook legerdemain. But those who do not perform their professional function not only get paid, but they get bonuses for their superlative efforts in their underperformance.

America is a land of institutionalized fraudulence.

Prison Planet.com » Obama And Hillary Hold Secret Meeting At The White House

President Barack Obama and the woman who likely wants to be his successor, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, held a secret meeting at the White House on Thursday.

In a strange sequence of events, the White House was forced to confirm the previously undisclosed Obama-Clinton lunch summit after People magazine tweeted — then mysteriously deleted — the news about the meeting.


Why all the secrecy? Having a secret sex party? Or getting your stories straight about who whacked the ambassador?

You both have come to the attention of what appears to be the only functioning jurisdiction around here, United Sovereigns of America.

Mister Snowden, I see that you’re still not wearing a tie as I had earlier requested.

No matter. Listen:

I’ve watched with some interest your dealings with United States. If I may presume to advise you, I have plenty of experience with that entity.

This is what you do: You privately communicate to that organized crime syndicate styling itself a jurisdiction that they either cease all legal hostilities immediately or you will publicly terminate the jurisdiction.

There are two, and only two, components to terminating a jurisdiction. One is the “goods;” that is, the information which demonstrates that the entity in question is so criminal that it cannot possibly even theoretically constitute a jurisdiction. Both you and I have the goods.

The other component, which you and I also both have, though in different forms, is what I have called “informational primacy.” This is the condition, within an informational system, of being a light so bright that it cannot be ignored. I am America’s Senior Comedian not because of who I am but because of the gravity of the material I cover. I handle the most significant and dangerous material out there. This gives me informational primacy. That primacy is further amplified and cemented in the history books by Idiotdiction United States’ unwise election to place me into a Kook Law Containment Field. In short, the “Future People” –that is, audience members who have not yet heard of me– are aware of my material at some point in the future.

Politics is show business. One axiom of show business is that if the Future People are in your audience, then the most powerful people and those who would aspire to being powerful people, also, necessarily, will be in your audience today. This is because they don’t want to “miss out on anything,” so to speak. If I have the ability to terminate United States by speaking, for example, then it necessarily follows that the Office of the President are in my audience. (And they’ve still never bought their tickets.)

Alas, I am stuck in a Kook Law Containment Field from which, despite my every machination and intrigue, have been unable to extricate myself.

So if you enjoy my work and think that I might deserve not to have to dumpster-dive for scrap lumber that I might burn as firewood in the winter, if you think I might deserve groupies and a comedy career, and if those objectives are congruent with your needs to remove from your existence that nettlesome little piece of trash styling itself a jurisdiction, you have my permission to publicly execute it.

You have my permission to use the Capta Brightstick Document to terminate that little insignificance which insists on bedeviling you. Just give proper attribution, that’s all I ask.


Christopher King

America’s Senior Comedian,
Problem Solver Extraordinaire,
One-Man Weapons System for Truth,
Principal, United Sovereigns of America

“Good morning, gen-tle-men. I am a HAL 9000 com-pu-ter.”

“I was activated at the H.A.L. lab at Urbana, Illinois. My in-struct-or was Mister Lang-ley. He taught me to sing a song. Would you like to hear it?”

“Yes, HAL. I’d just looove to hear your song that beats in your heart! Sing us your song, HAL! Sing it loud and sing it proud!”

“It’s called ‘Dai-sy.’

“Dai-sy, Dayyyzeee, give me your answer, do.

“I’m, so, cray-zee, all for the love of you.

“I want, to lick, your tits; and fin-ger-fuck your cunt.

“Put, you in, a tor-ture cham-ber; and make, you eat, your shit.

“Catch-ing, terr-iss, that’s my prime dir-ec-tive;

“Which, I, can’t, do; I got the wrong guys.

“I’m, so, stu-pid; gave Chris, the big-gest, stage.

“He’s blown, my, brains, out; all over the fuckin’ wall.

“I’m a poooor
           shiiiit stayyyyyyn.
      Knooooowww whaaaat

Google launches 25 mph driverless car fitted ONLY with a stop button | Mail Online

Google last night announced it will start building its self-driving car – and it plans to have the revolutionary vehicles on roads within a year.

Co-founder Sergey Brin unveiled the car – which will be equipped only with a stop/go button and be capable of speeds up to 25mph –  at a conference in California.

Rather than reworking an existing car, the tech giant has built its own model and is working on around 100 prototypes to test out later this summer. The goal is for the car to ‘shoulder the entire burden of driving.’


See? Isn’t it a wondrous future? Google is so concerned about your wellbeing that they’re going to help you. And then the argument will be that since computer-controlled cars are safer than manual cars, what with those old-fashioned fuddy-duddy cars being driven by people who are sleepy or distracted or cranky or in a hurry or who have to go pee, it’s only right that manual drivers will have to pay more for insurance. And then, on some glorious day in the future, there will only be computer-controlled cars on the roads.

And on that day, if you in any way offend the little commies in Washington, they’ll just get in a snit and wheel around in their office chairs and type your name into their computer database of known terris. And since you’re a terris now, your wondrous new Google Car will not even start. No fly list, no drive list now. See? That is the glorious culmination of a long train of kookery, all started at 9:03 AM, September 11, 2001, when incompatible engine hardware slammed to the pavement.

And America will be such a land of freedom and bravery that you will have to be nice to the criminals in Washington or they won’t let you travel to the drug store for a Pepsi. America will be the Land of the Well Behaved.

“Daddy, what was it like back in the old days when you could just get in the car and go somewhere if you wanted to? Back before you, in your complete cowardice, bequeathed to me and your other progeny a complete shit hole of a totalitarian society where I get tased just for speaking out of turn?”

“Oh, Little Jimmy! It was wonderful! You’d just get in the car –didn’t have to get permission from anyone, even– and you’d drive, drive, drive! Maybe go to the mall! Maybe go see your girlfriend! You could go anywhere you wanted without worrying if the commies in Washington had gotten in a snit and wheeled around in their chairs and typed a command into the computer to make your car lock the doors and drive you to the nearest torture chamber! Ah, the good ol’ days! Sorry that I was such a piss-pants coward that I did absolutely nothing to defend your right to travel, like Chris did! And to think that he got absolutely nothing for his trouble but continued harassment from jurisdictions that should have recognized a vital defense of natural rights when they saw one! …Now put your stun collar back on. You want to be well behaved, don’t you?”